Wednesday, February 2, 2011

No Title

Couldn't think of a good name for all that's running through my mind.  Warning-this post may be a little long, and possibly a little confusing.

Russell has always loved to watch "American Idol".  I have not.  Tonight, as he was watching it and I was writing in my journal, I got to thinking about why.  I'm a singer, shouldn't I enjoy that show?
Everyone has "something", you know?  Like maybe you're super crafty, or maybe you're really funny, or smart, or you're really athletic.  Maybe you love to run, or cook, or mountain bike.  Maybe you're a photographer or maybe it's more simple.  Maybe you truly have the gift of charity, or love, or faith.

I had my voice.  Please don't think I'm talking myself up, or I'm conceited, or anything.  Please, please don't think that.  But I do want to be honest, and really try to explain why I think I am the way I am. 

I was singing (all out) in the car with the kids the other day, and Caden said "Mom, if you were on American Idol do you think you would win?"  I didn't know how to answer him.  How would it sound for me to say "maybe"?  Crazy, that's how.  But...
I'm sitting here trying to decide just how honest I can be here.  I have to be completely honest, or what's the point, right?
My answer, though it's not what I said to Caden, is "maybe".  Ten years ago, "maybe".  I think I had the potential to accomplish a lot more than I ever did. 

One time I went to audition for "Les Miserables" and chickened out.  My dad took me.  I even missed school that day to go to the audition. 

I see these people on "American Idol" who have no fear, and it's really frustrating for me, I think. 

I think that's why I don't like to watch it.  Too many "what ifs".

After I thought about that (remember I was writing in my journal) my thoughts moved on.  Back at the beginning of this post, I talked about how everybody has something.  Well, I had something.  Fear took it away, though, and I think it has left an empty space.  A place in my self that thinks "What do I have now?  What's my something?"

Over the last three years I have really struggled to find a new "something".  I'm still looking. I can think of lots of "somethings" I would like to be mine, but haven't found a new one yet. 

Now, I'm not looking for compliments here, so please don't feel like I need them.  (Smiley face)  I'm fine, really.

But I believe that this challenge (losing "my voice") has left me facing the fact that too much of my self-worth was in that "thing".  It's gone, so where does that leave me?  I now have to find my sense of worth somewhere else. 

That's where my focus for this year will lead me.  To a renewed sense of value, not because I'm a great singer, but because I am.


Thompson Family said...

I think about this kind of stuff a lot. I honestly don't have any talents that others can see. I don't have a great singing voice. I can't draw, at all. My piano playing is very mediocre. I'm an average dancer and athlete. It really bothered me as a kid. Seriously, all I wanted in life was to be the next Whitney Houston and it sucked that I knew darn well my dream would never come to fruition. I do have talents but they are "inner talents". They are things that often go unnoticed and I often question whether or not they are really talents at all. So, since I have little to no talent (it's ok. I can be honest with myself) I have since decided to make what defines me something other than my lack of talent. A couple of months ago I filled out one of those Mormon profiles things and I really struggled on what I should put as the little blurb that describes me. I still don't like what I put down and have considered many times changing it but I don't know what I would change it to but I do know who I am. I know that I'm a daughter of God. I know that I'm a mother of three crazy but beautiful children. I know that my husband loves me with all his heart. I know I'm not perfect and my house is always a mess, but these things make me happy and that's enough for me.

I love you Ashley and you do have the most beautiful voice! I'll never forget when you sang O Lord, My Redeemer at Lonni's farewell. It was amazing and brought tears to my eyes and although I was only twelve at the time, it is one of those spiritual moments in my life that I will always cherish!

Alyssa Muller said...

You are a mom!! That's your thing. And although it is by far the most thankless job that I know of, it it also by far the most important. I know that through the in's as outs of being a mom, many of us feel as though we, as an individual, got lost in the shuffle of life. The 'What happened to what "I" wanted' moments.
You are an amazing singer Ash and always have been. I often think of when we auditioned to sing at the fair over the phone from your house. (Although, I have come to realize over the years that singing is so NOT a talent that I have, no matter how bad I wanted it to be).

But maybe you need to look at it differently. If you did go to your Les Mis audition and got it (which I have no doubt that you would have), would you have ended up where you are now? With a wonderful husband who loves you and beautiful children who you get to influence to be the best they can be??
Maybe but maybe not. You may have ended up NY on broadway daydreaming about your dream of being married with children.

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