Thursday, March 25, 2010


You want to know a secret?  I long for Makenna to have a sister.  I have a sister.  She is *!#> years older than me, and we weren't BFFs growing up, (I was a bit of a pest, I'm afraid), but today she is one of the very dearest people in my life.  I believe every girl needs a sister.
When I got married, I knew I wanted what many would consider a large family. I wanted at least four kids, as long as I had at least two boys and at least two girls.  I knew, in my heart, that I was to have "sons and daughters".  (I won't get into that here, but suffice it to say-I knew it.)  Russell didn't want to be "an old dad", and had asked to be finished with the "having them" part of parenthood by the time he turned 40, and I agreed to that because, even though I knew he'd get there long before me (he's 11 years older than I am), I still figured we had plenty of time to have the children I knew we were meant to have.  I had three boys in a row, but there was something very sweet about those little boys, and I still knew we had time.  When we found out Makenna was a girl I just couldn't believe it.  I was just so thrilled to buy pink, and bows, and ballet shoes!  But I knew we weren't finished yet.  There was another little girl up there, just waiting for her turn.  When it was time to try for number 5, I secretly hoped, and prayed, that the Lord would bless me with twins.  A boy and a girl.  Then everyone would have a "room buddy".  When I found out I was expecting, I didn't realistically expect twins, but I figured that little sister for Makenna would complete our home just right.  Only that "little sister" was Conner.  Boy #4. 

Now, let me just say, that my Conner is the joy of my life.  He has dimples to die for, and brings so much joy into our home.  I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world!  Just look at that face!

But, Russell had turned 40 about six weeks before Conner's birth, and I knew that I had agreed to be done then. 

That was just over four years ago.  I still long for that little girl.  I have never been able to shake the feeling that there was another little girl meant for our family.  Everyone around me thinks I'm crazy, that I'm just in love with having a newborn, and that my home is already full.  While both are absolutely true, they have nothing to do with this feeling.  This is something else, something much deeper.

I know that we're done.  But at night, when I put Makenna to bed, in her girly room all alone, I often think of that little sister that I always knew she'd have.  I'm so sorry that she has to grow up without knowing the joy of a sister.  Oh, I know that she'll have friends, and one day four sisters-in-law, but it's not the same. 

Right now my life is just getting "easy".  No babies.  No diapers, bottles, spit-up and blowouts.  No waking up in the middle of the night, "full to the brim" and in pain.  No crazy schedules, diaper bags, and giant car seats to carry around.  Heck, I don't even take a stroller most of the time.  But I'd do it all again, in a heartbeat.  I'd do it all, and more, if it meant she'd be here.

I don't mean to sound pitiful.  I love my children, and I'm very happy with the life I've been given.  I am so abundantly blessed, and I'm not complaining.  But this blog is a record of my life as a wife and mother.  I print every post, and have them all collected in a binder to copy for each of my kids one day.  This feeling is one that I've carried around for a long time, and I want to remember it.  I don't want this record to neglect the struggles I sometimes have because I don't think that would be an honest record of my life.  I am happy, and truly so blessed, and I don't ever want to come across as negative or pessimistic.  But I want to be honest here, because one day these feelings will be a memory, and probably a pretty vague one.

Makenna will be just fine, allbeit a tad spoiled.  She is the princess around here, and everyone knows it.  I don't think any of this will ever affect her the way it affects me, and I'm glad.  She doesn't know she's missing out on anything, and I don't plan to tell her, so shhhhhhh.  It's our little secret......
I feel like I need to say something here.  Makenna has a sister.  She has Mariah.  And what a blessing she has been.  When I think of the two of them stuck under the bar in that golf cart, and how Mariah, with battery acid in her eyes, thought first to get Makenna out from under that bar, I realize that THAT is a sister.  I'm forever grateful for the two step-children I married into.  They are both so special.

Yes, Makenna has a sister.


Jeanette said...

A month or so ago my sister-in-law found out their first is going to be a girl. I cried--just a little. I think we have to allow ourselves to right to have our feelings. It has nothing to do with her or her baby, it has nothing to do with boy #3 that I'm currently pregnant with, it's simply that legitimate longing for something I don't have, and have to be ready to accept that I may never have. I think it's more healthy to admit these feelings, go through them, and then go on.

Joella said...

I am glad you are writing this down. I know how important it is to you. I also need to know--because you are obviously smarter than I am-how to change the header only at the top of my blog. I cannot figure it out.

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