Sunday, February 4, 2018

My Story-Pt. 8 A New Beginning


Goodness, this IS a long story! I'm nothing if not thorough, ha ha.

So, here we are! A good eleven years after this whole fight with (what I assume is) depression began. I believed I was given two great gifts: to sing and to be the best mom there ever was. Maybe I was too prideful, I don't know. I just know that I've been humbled, brought to my knees, as I've felt those gifts slip away. As I've dealt with feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

But now I'm ready to heal. I'm ready to find my way back to a place of peace. I certainly don't have all the answers, and if I'm being honest, I'm kind of terrified that I'll fail, but I'm ready to try.

There are two reasons I decided to tell this story and bring you all along with me.

The first is because I want to be accountable. I want a place where I can document the CHOICES I make, and the effect they have. Sort of like a journal, I guess, but public, ha ha.

The second is because I know that I'm not alone. I know there are so many others out there who are struggling with the same sorts of feelings. I want to cheer YOU on, because we CAN do this! 

I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father, and this isn't the life he wants for me. He wants me to have joy and laughter, to feel worthy and clean and whole. The thing is, I KNOW that a lot of the reason I feel the way I do is because of choices I've made. 

"Our decisions determine our destiny" -Thomas S. Monson

I don't pretend to believe it'll be easy. Habits are hard to break and hard to form, but I'm determined to do what I can to CREATE the joy I long for.

In the end, I'm hoping to be able to find the path that Heavenly Father DOES have in mind for me. To go where He wants me to go, and do what He wants me do do. These are a couple of the things I need to do, for sure.
1. Rededicate myself to an honest, daily study of the scriptures and the words of latter-day prophets.
    To not just read, but apply. To learn, to pray, to ponder things of the spirit. And to listen and obey.
2. Take better care of the body I've been blessed with. To feed it well and give it the exercise it
    needs to be strong and healthy.
3. Create a home for my family that is conducive to the spirit, so that when my family is here (or
    when others visit) they can feel that there's a special spirit here. A spirit of peace and love.

These are my most immediate goals. Of course, they can be broken down into smaller steps, and I'll get to that. For now, I just thank you, beyond words, for being here. If you'd like to follow along join me on Instagram, because most of this journey will be documented there.
Let's do it!
(@ashley_nineringcircus)
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